On the wagon...


OK, for any of you reading this that don't already know (i don't think there's anyone, but otherwise this whole thing won't make sense), i've given up drinking, been five weeks now.

I won't really go into the reasons, they're the same reasons anyone ever gives anything up - doing it more than you feel right doing, spending too much on it, and so on.

Generally, i think my depression's slightly better, though it's too early to really tell (could just be the regular shifts)... I've found it both easier and harder than i expected so far, and in totally different ways:

The actual 'not drinking' part's been way easier than i expected, i made it through xmas and NYE almost straight after starting (nearly gave in NYE, but didn't), and i've been going to the pub regularly, and so on. I don't know if i was 'hooked' in the same way i am with nicotine (i can only assume not by the lack of gnawing marks on my bed), but it was definately heading that way, so i'm pleased to have found it this easy (means i wasn't as far gone as i feared (but, no, i'm not going to use that as a reason to start again)).

What's been suprisingly hard, something i hadn't really considered, is the lifestyle change involved: i was prepared for parties, etc, to be hard, but i hadn't realised/admitted quite how much i was using getting drunk as a coping mechanism for depression - while i think my depression's slightly better, i'm finding it /much/ harder to deal with - i don't have a quick escape route now when i get numb or just bored, and i'm finding that much harder to deal with than the 'not drinking' part (does that make sense? i don't /think/ it's just the standard addiction-voice that tells you why you should do it One More Time Only, because i'm doing well, no-where near cracking, but it's hard to tell, y'know, being in my head i don't have much distance for proper perspective...).

So, yeah, i'm finding it hard at the moment, not so much because i want to drink, as because i haven't had a way to vent in a month... both cutting and getting fucked some other way are tempting, but that kinda defeats the point of quitting. I don't have the energy for anything productive, so i'm just sat here, bored and numb as hell, wanting to just pass out for a bit, some sort of oblivion-escape... grr. I'm hoping it's just an addiction-withdrawal, but it doesn't feel like it, and, well, if it was fags or something, i'd be writing this dying for one, and i'm not - i don't want to drink, or even get drunk, but some oblivion would be real sweet right now... Maybe i'll take to headbutting walls instead? scary thing is, that doesn't sound an entirely bad thing... Well, guess i just wait, for now. if it's withdrawal, or whatever, it'll pass, and if not, more time will at least make me more sure that it's not, and i'll be able to poke at the problem with a bit more perspective.

(as an aside, sorry if i'm acting a bit weird at the moment... i think the above will do as my excuse note)

Um, so, yeah... no real point to this, i'm writing as much to collect my thoughts as for any other reason...

Yeah...

[ETA: In an obvious subconscious effort to outdo sebastienne's peircing woes, i just swallowed my tongue bar. Fifteen minutes of fingers-down-throat action later, no sign of it... i may have coughed it out in the initial 'that's not a pringle' choking fit... it'll show up... probably...]